Don't cry over spilt milk

Whoever made up this phrase was not a breastfeeding mother.

As I juggled my pump parts, containers and reading material one morning at work during an impressive (for me) six-ounce output, one of the tubes of my pump tapped a full, open container I had set down to replace. Why was it open? I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS! Anywho...everything went in slow motion, but I was swift about it, almost Matrix-like. While resituating, placing the other container down gently, closing it, ensuring everything else was safe, saving my page in my book, of course, I was able to catch it before it was a full tip. VICTORY! However, some milk from the overfilled container, which I didn't think would fill up in a minute, plopped out. After snickering about how some of my breastmilk was now embedded in the carpet at work (I cleaned it up!), I just sat there. This could have been horrible. A disaster.

Any of you who've breastfed know what I'm talking about. So far these last 20 weeks I've been able to breastfeed exclusively, which I'm very proud of, but it's been one of the most stressful, frustrating, worrisome, frantic, time-sucking, unpredicatble experiences of my life.

Now, I must preface these next paragraphs with a disclaimer so, hopefully, no one gets angry with me: I have no opinions either way about whether anyone else breastfeeds. What do I care? It's YOUR kid and YOU make the best choices YOU can. You're not giving them beer, right (RIGHT?)? This is my choice, you have yours. I've often heard from those who've given their babies formula say those who nurse are a bit snobbish about it. Someone was actually embarrassed to tell me his baby wasn't breastfed and some of my friends act like they've already failed as mothers for not doing it. What's the big deal either way? I will tell you that the one thing I can't stand is when the reason for not breastfeeding is that "mama needs to drink." That's just ridiculous and disgusting, and, yes, I have heard someone say that's her reason.

Now, I chose to try breastfeeding because it seemed the most natural thing to do. Whether it's way better than formula, I have no idea, but it can't be worse, so I went for it. It looks like they put a bunch of goodies in the formula that make it healthy, too. As with anything, there are pluses and minuses. In my opinion, however much it matters, there's no better choice as a whole...just a better choice for you. I've gone this far with it because it's my personal mission. I've failed at sticking with many things I wanted to make habits--waking up at 5 a.m. willingly, exercising every day for an hour, walking the dog several times a week, maintaining a clean, organized house--but sticking with breastfeeding has become a major triumph.

Everyday I stuggle to make my quota. I pump FOUR times at work. I'd like to try a different schedule, but I'm terrified it won't work out. He keeps increasing his feeding amounts, and I worry every Monday that I didn't stock up enough for the week. Right now, what I produce the day before is what he gets the next day. So, if something happens and I don't have the 18 ounces he needs, I wouldn't really know what to do. I guess buy a can of formula? I constantly think about it. If I'm not pumping, it's time to pump or I just pumped. If I pumped less than usual, I obsess about whether adding in another session would fix it or hope that the next time, I'll get more.

So, why do I continue to do it? I really don't know. I guess it's my new habit. The deeper I get into this, the more I don't want to fail. I envy those who can just whip out a premeasured bunch of formula at a restaurant and shake it up instead of having to whip out something else. But, perhaps I'm envied for the night-time feedings where I can just lay in bed and fall asleep while he's still eating. See, pluses and minuses.

Tomorrow, when I'm going through the pumping ritual, I'll be a little more careful.