Coming to terms with being a working mom

One of the biggest lessons I'm learning is that my thoughts and feelings toward certain things are unpredictable and often surprising.

I always said that I'd go back to work after having kids. I didn't think anything of it. I knew I'd be sad, but I just kept telling myself that it's what I wanted for everyone's sake. Well, when the time came around and I was back to work, sitting at my desk with a newly framed picture of Lincoln's smiling face staring at me, it was all I could do not to just walk out and never go back to the office. I never thought going back to work would affect me so much.

I was unbelievably sad the week leading up to my first day back. I refused to let my impending separation from Linc ruin my whole time off with him, but when we were less than a week away from it, I couldn't help it. I cried every day as I sat on the couch holding him. I ignored all my chores and "wifely duties" and just sat there. I smelled him, told him how much I loved him, tried to explain what was going to happen and why.

I even started a journal that I plan to give to him when he's older detailing exactly what I was feeling and why I'd be leaving him (since then, I've written in the journal more feelings and thoughts about the little person he's already becoming and my life as his mommy). My biggest fear about sending him to daycare was that he'd want his mommy and I wouldn't be there. It was heartbreaking. Still, now, I'm crying as I write this. I can say how it won't bother me if he takes his first step at daycare. I can tell all of you how I've accepted the fact that he might say his first word there. But, the truth is, I have no idea how I'll feel if those things happen. I might be fine or I might completely implode.

Since March 17, the day I went back to work, I've researched just about every possibility that puts me back at home with Lincoln. I need to work, for many reasons, and, as a writer, I feel I have a good opportunity to work at home, so I read every book I could about freelance writing. I interviewed freelancers who are at different stages, levels and years in their freelance career. I even picked up three freelance gigs, which in total do not provide enough to pay the bills.

Each day at work became more and more devastating. We'd drop Linc off, and I was fine, but as the day went on, my heart just got heavier and heavier. I ached with loneliness. I'd think all day about what he was doing. I knew he was OK, but I in no way was. Every night I'd either go back to just sitting with him on the couch crying or being really PO'd that we needed the money I was making and that I liked my job and my company too much to leave it. Darn my good life! Darn the fact I love my job, my coworkers, my salary... I do love Lincoln a bazillion more times than all of those things, but it would be a lot easier to leave a job I hated, you know? My head has just been twirling with thoughts of what's best for everyone. I was overwhelmed and miserable.

Then, last week, it settled. Everything in my brain on this subject fell into place like a good Tetris game. My husband had the words of wisdom...imagine that! He said, "at daycare, they're there for Lincoln. If you're home, you're still working. Either Lincoln won't get your attention or your work won't." Which do you think I'd choose? Suddenly, I felt better. A lot better. Yes, I want to be with Lincoln every single second of every single day, but at daycare, he's making friends and meeting new people. He's getting to know how to interact with kids and adults. If he was home with me, we'd be inside while I was working and all he'd have to look at is my stupid, silly face staring at a computer. There'd be no way I'd get any work done. He loves daycare. I know he does. I loves the people there who take care of him and they (most of them) are special to us. He has so much fun (see him in the picture? F-U-N at daycare!).

For our family, this is what works. This is best. For your family, it might be best you work from home with your kids or you stay at home and take care of them. Whatever works is what works. I've heard of some "war" going on between working moms and stay-at-home moms. If this exists, it's just silly. No one group is better than the other. We're all making sacrifices. We're all trying to do what's best. None of us should feel guilty or worthless or superior. We all need each other. We're all moms just trying to do our best. I'm slowly, slowly, slowly becoming my best. What an adjustment this all is...what a ride.