Today's guest blog comes to us from Shannon, a mom who, like me, has dealt with the painful reality of infertility. I think it's a beautiful post and wanted to share it with you all.
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Infertility: not fertile; unproductive; sterile; barren. (Dictionary.com)
Infertility: The
act of having your heart broken in to a million pieces. The state of
wishing with all your heart for something that is seemingly
unreachable. The roller coaster of emotions that span from up to down,
a direct result of causes both known and unknown.
It is
National Infertility Awareness Week.
Infertility is something I've come to know over the past 4.5 years. It
is a badge I will apparently wear the rest of my days. I am blessed to
have The Boy and he is My Joy and I love him with all my heart. It does
not ease the wish and hope that I had to make him what I know he'd be
so fabulous at - a big brother.
Infertility
is funny - you want to yell at the top of your lungs WHY?!?! You
question just why there is a crack baby - the fifth born to a mother
who can't take care of the other four she's given birth to - yet you,
so waiting with a home full of love cannot have that which your heart
so fully desires.
God
has a plan. And, yet, we are human. And we sometimes want to Throw
Things. And Hit Someone. Because this infertility? Well, quite frankly It Hurts Like Hell.
We
can't just "drink the water" - it's not enough for us to "just relax" -
all the "yams" in the world wouldn't help. Most of us have been to the
specialist. We've tried the interventions. We've been praying our
hearts out and are gathering that right now the answer must be no and
yet we still hear those sentiments. Well-meaning individuals, but oh
how these sentiments just hurt us to our cores sometimes. Please note: I could have an IV on 24-hour drip of that water of which you speak and still I would not get pregnant but thanks for the offer.
Things I know? Some days are easier than others. Most of the time you rejoice over
news. And sometimes you smile and wait a bit until you are alone and
cry a few tears. And sometimes out of nowhere you are riding down the
road, or reading facebook or watching a show and it hits you and you
sob for a bit. That's infertility.
Sometimes
you truck along just fine and other times the glue that is holding your
heart together cracks a bit. You see, you tell yourself you are fine -
and most of the time you are! you really, truly are! - but then other
times something happens and your heart shatters into another million
pieces and you have to piece it back together again. That's infertility.
Here is the bottom line about infertility and me: I Mourn The Child I Will Never Have.
It
is odd, this mourning. There is no funeral. No cause for flowers. You
don't send cards, bring food. No date to recognize each year. But the
grief? The grief is still there. It gets easier with time - but it is
Grief plain and simple. And grief? It can sneak up on you sometimes.
Infertility
can affect anyone. I had a long talk with myself about this just
recently - specifically What Is Infertility. I chatted internally with
myself and realized it doesn't hurt any less for the person that has
Never had a child that wants one with all her heart - or someone like
myself that feels like the Second Chance I will never have has been
"robbed" - or someone that has three, four and longs for a fifth.
It doesn't hurt any less this desire of our heart. For the dream we feel lost, for that dream we are grieving.
We
long for - we dream - we hope with all our heart. And then month after
month this dream seems to slip a little more out of our grip. That?
That is infertility.
Remember
us this week. Remember the many women trying for their first child,
dreaming of holding their own baby in their arms. Remember those that
have had miscarriages and dream of carrying a baby to term. Remember
those that are wanting to add to their family, that dream of making
their sweethearts Big Brothers or Big Sisters. Remember us.
I'm praying - today, this week, and always.
Posted
Apr 29 2009, 04:00 PM
by
Guest