Finding the right work-life balance

I feel your pain.  I formerly was an executive at my company's office in Houston.  I was the only female.  All the men had wives who stayed at home and "took care of things" and not a one of them could tell me who their kids' pediatrician was when I was looking for one.  Amazing.  What they didn't understand was I am the mother, and I have to do all the things their wives do plus my job.  And I decided to have my second child shortly after my promotion.  When we went through a consolidation last year, I wasn't surprised when I didn't get to retain my position.  I feel a lot had to do with my inability to "commit" to the job like the men did - couldn't get there at 6:30 in the morning because I had to drop my daughter at day care at 7.  Couldn't stay til 6:30 at night because my daughter needed picked up and I needed to get dinner on the table.  But my job got done in the hours I was there.  (If you're asking where my husband was - he worked 12 hour shifts in an ER, and I support his decision to work, although his schedule did not allow much flexibility).

Work/life balance is a constant battle, one that I feel I will never win.  I don't feel the need to be a SAHM, but I do wish I had more time to do the fun things with my kids, other than dinner, bath, and bed in the 2 1/2 hours I get to spend with them every night.  I'd love to have more flexibility (and actually Heather, being a college professor is one of my dreams, but I don't have a PhD).

I "only" work 24 hours a week.  I do two 12 hour shifts every weekend.  The problem is that they often run longer and are often overnight.  I'm so tired afterward that by the time I feel like doing anything it's Thursday and almost time to start all over again.  I feel like my kids are being raised by a zombie.  Like FF and everyone else, I'm sure, I'm expected to do all the mom and wife things besides working outside the home.  

FF -I'm not "committed" either. :rolleyes: I can't go in extra to cover for their constant scheduling/staffing snafus among other things.  Sorry, work is part of my life, not all of it like they want it to be.  

I have to admit, it is nice to get of "mommy mode" for a little while though.  

BTW, I'm seriously thinking of hiring a cleaning person.  I'm just too tired to clean-up after the whole family.  I'll tolerate cleaning-up after the kids, but the thirty-eight year old, no way!

I mention this and people act like I've failed as a wife and mother because I can't do it all.  They imply if I can't do this and work I should not be working.  Hello, are they going to support my family and keep my job skills up to date? I doubt it.  

::Sigh::  I need a clone . . . . . . . . .  and a vacation (by myself).  It would wind-up beign twice as much work though.  I would come home and the house would be completely trashed like it is by the time Mondays roll around.  

Heather - I think we may have covered this in an earlier topic, but the situation we find ourselves in is one, amazingly enough, we and the women before us have fought for - the right to be in the workplace and to be treated equal.  But our burdens are not equal, by far.  I can not comment on a male coworker's involvement in his children's lives or his contribution to the housework, but you hardly hear them talk about picking up the kids from day care, setting doctors appointments, and grocery shopping.  Yet those are things that are constantly on our minds.

Having said that, there are certain sacrifices we need to  make in order to secure our jobs or our place in our career.  Mine was moving 5 times in 6 years to obtain experience in different areas of our company and different market areas.  I became an executive at 30, and lost it before 32.  Did the sacrifice pay off - yes and no.  In your case, earning tenure is pretty much securing your career, practically for life.  If that is what you want, make the sacrifice in the short term for the long term gain.  Being a part of your child's life is important, but they will have little memory at this age that you were gone two nights a week instead of one, but they will remember later that you missed their 4th grade school play when they had the lead part.  Thankfully, my daughter will not remember she was in 5 day cares before she was 3.  But she would remember if she changed high school 5 times in 3 years.  It is all part of the balance.

There are days that my husband leaves for his 24 hour shift before my kids wake up, and come home after they go to school the next day, then leaves for school befor the girls get home, and gets home after they are in bed.  There may be 48 hours he never sees them during a regular week.  Would anyone question his devotion as a father??

This is the biggest fight that my husband and I have. We both work full time but because as he puts it "you sit at a computer  all day shouldn't be tired after work." My commute is longer than his and I take our 2 & 3 year old children to daycare everyday. Our 9 yr old goes to school with cousins and he can get himself ready. My husband does help get one of the toddlers ready in the morning and I do tend to oversleep but he acts like I have the easiest life ever! While I appreciate the fact that he does manual labor and is physically exhuasted I still get burned by " you didn't do any real work". I'm expected to pick up the kids everyday, do the shopping, I pay the bills, balance the accounts, keep track of birthdays for both sides or our family, dr appts, taxes, cleaning the house. Now here is his list, work, watch tv, make messes, make bigger messes, walk past the big mess, cook chicken nuggets in the microwave once in awhile. I am not man bashing, my hubby does his own laundry and we take turns doing the kids laundry.  I refuse to let anyone else wash my clothes!

When I complain to him or whine as he calls it this is the response I get "You women wanted equal treatment and burned your bras! I don't want to hear it!" Well I was born in 76 so I couldn't have burned a bra until at least 1989 and by then there was not really a need. Am I the only woman that doesn't want it all. I want to be a stay at home mom even though it is way more work and no pay (monetary, it pays in spades for the kids!) I would welcome to have my hubby be the breadwinner and let me take care of our home and be there with the kids. I too often feel my kids are another "thing" I have to take care of. I didn't plan my family, I had my first, then five years later got married, then had my second, then my third. I've been working since I was 12. I can't imaging life without a paycheck. I have fond memories of my Mom staying home with us and always having sit down dinners (never knew what a t.v dinner was) McDonald's was once every 6 months! She went to work when I was about 12 and that's when I learned how to do the cooking and cleaning and take care of the house. I got the best of both, I had my Mom show me she could support her family but I also had the luxury of her staying home during the early years. I'm not anti feminist but I think some women look down their noses at you if you don't have a degree (I don't but I am the main source of income for our family, i.e. I make more than my husband) and two kids, suv, big house, etc. Life isn't supposed to be this fast paced! We as women need to remind our kids of the simple things in life, and boy what I wouldn't give to be a simple, hardworking housewife and be proud of it! Plus my house would always be clean! I don't need jewlery or flowers I NEED A HOUSEKEEPER!

Suebeus - I can relate to having a mother who was home growing up.  Spending summers at home, going to the pool with her, sit down, home made dinners every night, always cookies, cake, brownies, etc in the house, never, ever riding the bus to school - great stuff.  I had my share of responsibilities - cleaning, garden work, chores, laundry, etc.  But I feel bad because my kids won't have the same experience.  I am the breadwinner, the one with the degrees, married to someone who has no college education and doesn't understand what a steady job is.  It is the guilt we carry and the decisions we've made.

My mother-in-law has often said to me "your kids won't remember the dust, but they will remember time with you."  I have learned to let some things go instead of being mad that the house is dirty.  My bathrooms and my kitchen are always clean and the bills paid- but the rest - well - it's not health related, so when i get a chance to attack them, i do.  Don't sweat the house - it will still be there - dust bunnies always come back.  

I have a mix in having an 18, 15, 12 and 5 year old - we are almost always on the run.  i give little jobs to the younger kids when I see that they are siting and watching TV - swiffers are great - they love to see all of the dust picked up and your 5 year old child can actually do a good job (not great) dusting the floors under the furniture - plus they might find a lost match-box car!!  The olders one are often sent to the vaccuum cleaner to do a quick run around the house or asked to dust the furniture.  I have stopped yelling about the back packs, instruments and papers - we have 4 kids - it's never going to be perfect - they need to enjoy their home, too.

I DO make it a point to cook meals so that we can often all sit down together with semi-home-cooked food - as I do think this is something all of us will remember as my kids grow and move out.  plus, eating out is terribly expensive.

After having my 4th child, we made a decision that i work part time (24-30 hours week)  BUT we do not eat out ofteb at all, we do not do caribbean or european or ski vacations. I  clean my own house, and my husband and i do our own yard.  I do not get jewlery as gifts - same reason.  

I also do my grocery shopping once/month - i'd much rather be taking care of myself or spending time w/hubby and/or kids than grocery shopping!!  I do stop at  alocal farm market about every 10 days fro fresh fruit and some veggies (i use a lot of frozen veggies - quick, inexpensive, nutritious) - and a lot less impulse buying at the farm market which also carries 2% milk).  You CAN do it - it does take some organization, but it is a huge relief to have it done and out of the way once/month, PLUS it saves money, ladies!!  A lot less impulse buying at the store.  Some day, just try and sit down and make a menu for 1 month, throwing some really easy meals (like sloppy joes from the can w/a pound of ground beef for those nights when you have 15 minutes to throw dinner together) along with your family favorites, then make a shopping list based on your menu - i incorporate those meals that i know will have leftovers into a meal for the next night (such as Sam's Club Pork loin one night, then stir-fried pork the next night).  It will take you about 1/2 hour - just try it on paper and you might find you are not so intimidated by the prospect of monthly shopping.  We have 4 kids, including two teenage boys and we get by with two fridge/freezers and NO chest freezer to fit all of our food, and a bookshelf for dry goods in the basement, next to the "basement fridge".

It IS hard, but make sure at the end of the day, you do not have regrets.  One works to live, not lives to work.

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