Strangers with candy

I went to a really interesting presentation at our children's school on this subject.  They suggested that we teach our children to look to us for cues about whether or not to trust an adult, and to understand that they are not experienced enough to decide who is safe and who isn't.  They said to tell our children NEVER to take anything  from a stranger, and to run if a stranger asks for help because a safe adult will never ask a child for help (with the possible exception of asking a child to get a parent to help).  In situations like getting separated in a store, they said that we should teach our children how to identify people who work in the store and to go to them, and only them, for help.   They also stressed that children should be taught to watch their parent's reactions.  So if mom is smiling and talking to someone, that should be taken as a cue to be polite and answer questions.  If candy is offered, it should be offered to the mom who can then say "yes" or "no".  Strangers who include mom, therefore, can be trusted at least as long as mom is there.

Like you, I was afraid of increasing my children's already shy tendencies and making them withdraw.  But it actually had the opposite effect when I had the above conversations with them.  By helping them understand what behavior to expect from a safe/friendly adult and what is reasonable to be uncomfortable with, their confidence actually increased.  I was really pleasantly surprised!

I hope this helps!

I really like the suggestions in the previous post.  Also, I found the Berenstein Bears book about strangers was helpful in bringing up the topic for discussion.  Mama Bear uses apples to explain why we have to be careful about strangers (i.e. outward appearances can be deceiving, a shiny apple can still have a worm inside, and a yucky apple can still be sweet iinside, in other words we can't judge people by their appearances.)  

We also really enjoyed the berestein bears book.

We always tell our 4y/o to not leave wherever we are headed to without one of us. We even told him, if he comes to the park with mom and dad..he leaves with mom and dad.  even grandpa or a cousin or an aunt or uncle is not allowed to take him unless who he came to the park tells him eye to eye he can go.  we always have eye contact on them but they are not always in arms reach.

I also told him not to talk to strangers, accept anything from strangers, or go anywhere with strangers no matter what they tell him.  We go through the typical scenarios:

someone asks you to help find their puppy/kitty---tell them to wait right there while you go ask your mom.  someone says your mom told me you could go---say no I have to hear her say it in her voice eye to eye face to face.

someone offers you candy--tell them no I'm not allowed and immediately find mom or dad.

someone offers you a ride to go somewhere fun--tell them no I'm not allowed to and immediately find mom or dad.

someone pulls up to the curb and asks you to come closer to the car so they may ask a question or directions or to look in the car at something--say....only if I go get my mom first and come get me.

We also went through who can be let into the house wihtout us on the 1st floor...which is a very small list.  I asked him before telling him who...he'd have let anyone in uniform into the house.  I told him that unless there's a fire not even a fireman should come in.  Not even policemen are allowed to come in, unless I allow them to.  

I know it sounds odd but I never tell my kids to find a uniformed person when lost, or an employee.  I tell them to go to a mom with kids with her nearby and tell her your lost. They also have  shoe ID's that can be opened to find our contact info.  We did that before Disney b/c it's just so crowded.

Best of luck.  We haven't had these talks with Eli.  I think at 2 they are just too young to understand and would get too scared.  By the age you are starting to let your child get farther from you at parks.  Somewhere by age 3-4 I think it's easier to teach them.

Oh and keep in mind...studies show boys are less likely to head stranger warnings and more likely to impulsively follow a stranger than girls.  Great to know as a mom of boys...but we all really have to be careful.  it can be a scary world out there.

One of the biggest things I have explained to my son is that it is okay to feel like he is being rude by ignoring or getting away from a stranger trying to talk to him or trying to offer him something when we are not with him.  If you think about it, we teach our kids to be polite when speaking to an adult.  However, it is okay to be wary and aloof.  It is easier to explain a child's behavior that is perceived to be rude than to frantically search for a missing child.  

This is also true when someone knocks on our door or rings the doorbell.  I tell my son that you should never just blindly open the door.  If we are not expecting anyone at our house I have told him to be still and quiet so I can look out to see who it is.  I tell him that we do not have to open the door just because someone is there.

I have read something similar and its just peculiar for me that I came across this blog because just last week, I had a parent caregiver meeting about how to improve child safety and security by instilling a 10 minute early pick up policy for all the kids enrolled in my daycare and updating the security phone tree. With so many elements today that could potentially harm our kids one can never be too careful. In my opinion if you can involve the community in making sure that a safe haven for kids is maintained within the neighborhood then the better.