Ever have one of those days where you swear you could just lock your child in their room until they figure out how to listen?  It seems that I am having this problem with my almost 2 year old.  Any time that her and her older sister play, Genevieve hits (with hand or any nearby object), bites and pulls her sister's hair, and is generally a stinker when it comes to sharing.  (I do know that she doesn't really understand how to share yet but we are working on it.)

Every time I witness her hitting, biting or pulling hair, she gets a time out, which she HATES.

But, I have noticed that she will look at me, smirk and then do something rotten to her sister.   

I don't know what I am doing wrong this time.  I know that there are major differences between a first and second child and it is even more pronounced because my 4 year old went to daycare from when I went back to work until she was 3 and Genevieve doesn't since I now stay at home.  So discipline during this stage is different between the two. 

This may be a jealousy issue, which I have tried to resolve by paying extra attention to her and including her in "big girl" things such as baking a cake, making dinner, coloring, painting, etc without big sis being involved but as far as I can tell, it hasn't made the situiation any better.  She actually has started punching me and head butting me.  Yippee!

So, any advice?  If I stick to my guns and do time out (we have even upgraded to facing the corner during time outs), will this pass?  Does anyone have any other suggestions that don't involve hitting back, etc?  I really feel bad for my oldest although she sometimes does things to provoke her sister to make her angry.

Hi Connie--I have an almost 5-yr old and an almost 2-yr-old and I want you to know that what you are going through is totally normal--you are not alone. I stood out in my backyard with my infant second son and watched my first son throw a tantrum--full blown kicking, screaming, throwing things at me--for at least an hour, maybe more. I just had to keep my distance.

We finally have gotten to a place where we realized that time-outs don't work because they're just down-right disrespectful. [I have had days where I feel like I'm putting my older son in time-out every five minutes--I have been the queen of time out--so don't take this as a criticism.] Think of how you would feel if someone made you sit on a step by yourself or stand facing a corner for any length of time. 

Instead of doing your usual time-out, when the younger one starts biting, hitting, the older one, try removing the younger one immediately from the play/situation every single time--go with her to another room or something. Probably, with time, and you will have to be patient, she will get sick of having her play be interrupted and it might extinguish the behavior--similar to a time-out, but without escalating her emotions as much, perhaps. While you are doing this, or after, try modeling for her what she may do instead--gentle pats on you or her sibling, for example. Even if she doesn't have a lot of words yet, she can probably understand a lot, so when you are modeling appropriate words and behaviors, she's absorbing it. You can tell her that she may play again when she's ready to use her gentle hands. When you tell her what she MAY do, rather than what she CAN'T DO, it has a slightly different effect. And I totally agree with Lisa Q--you have to do all of this while maintaining your composure and modeling a kind, gentle voice yourself, otherwise things just escalate out of control. And if she's looking at you and then doing things to hurt her sister, she's definitely trying to get a rise out of you, as Lisa Q said--so don't give her the satisfaction. [A great book for some perspective on sibling rivalry is Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish]

A developmental psychologist told me recently that we have to recognize that WE are not the boss of these little creatures--their bodies are the boss of them. They are all about protecting themselves and don't care about other people's bodies or feelings--and that's okay, it's normal at this age. When we do time outs and try to say that we're the boss, it's contradictory to the child--her body is telling her one thing and the parent is saying another. As parents, we have to try to find ways to get their bodies to send them different messages. Sometimes it could be that a child isn't getting enough sleep, for example.

My children attend a Waldorf school [check out http://www.waldorfpittsburgh.org], which has been so supportive in terms of modeling how to "discipline." If possible, we can distract a child or diffuse a situation and get them to use their hands in a positive way by getting them involved in some kind of work--washing windows (with non-toxic stuff of course), mopping floors, watering plants, dusting, making a snack for daddy when he gets home from work. This allows the child to feel they're caring for their environment and for others in the family. (It can sometimes mean you have a mess to clean up, but it's worth it.) Changing the environment, just getting outside for a little while (difficult as it may be in these cold Pgh winters) does wonders. [here's another helpful book: Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents of Young Children by Sharifa Oppenheimer and Stephanie Gross.]

Hope this is helpful. Good luck and take deep breaths. I sometimes used to put myself in a corner, by the way, just to regain my composure a bit--that really got my son's attention! Also, almost everything is a phase and will be over soon ... while you're in it if feels endless, though.

My grain of knowledge on this just from experience (mine will be 2 and 4 next month) is that with your first you don't experience this as much b/c they have so much time to themselves with their toys and with you.  Number 2 never gets that at the time when they don't understand how/why/etc to share and play nice earlier b/c there is always another person there using the toys. 

 If mine are playing in the same room together, I try to engage each in separate things on days when they are more likely to not share or play well together.  More times than not one of us just plants ourself between the kids and plays a bit with each.  My fil started doing this on his days with the kids, so we went along with it.  So they both get attention from you, are not near enough each other to harm one another, and are entertained. 

When I can't do that I pull the younger away to "help" me.  I try to give my older son his time with his blocks alone while I cook by entertaining the younger one with some messy kitchen fun (a bowl of water one day, flour on another, sometimes water and flour, sometimes he just plays with the faucet).  While I use the broom my younger is happy to walk around with the swifter or our dust mop (I unscrewed a section of handle out of the dust mop and screwed the other peices back together so it's short enough for him). it's a temporary solution, but when the younger one is a bit older and plays better it won't be quite so necessary.

As for the looks I get when I warn them, completely different.  I can tell my 2y/o doesn't understand and he often giggles, smirks, or gleefully laughs and runs away.  At nearly 4 my older son gives a mean look of defiance before doing something contrary (which isn't often).  That's how I see the difference between the 2 of them.  The nearly 2y/o has no idea he's being contrary, it's somehow just a game. The 4y/o knows what he's doing is against the rules and knows he'll get a time out and does it anyway. You can tell by the look, he's thinking will she really go through with the timeout.  we're consistent so he doesn't do it too often.

Knowing that they are on completely different developmental mindsets, I teach them differently.  I'm more of a fan of "teaching" than "discipline" per se.  I'm not a big fan of time outs before age 2. Even at age 2 I'm a bit leary...closer to age 3 maybe.

At 23m we still use distraction and showing him what TO DO.  So when I hear trouble brewing I'm in there and working with them.  It worked well with my older son too at that age.  things like "no hitting, touch nicely" I'd take his hand and gently guide him to pat a shoulder or head.  "we kick balls, not people"  "you can bite your stuffed animal or a teething toy but not people"  "teeth are for chewing"  And I'd grab a teething toy and bite it.  (my kids were much more prone to biting while teething). Pre-speech I allow stomping, growling, yelling...when mad and I'd tell him it's okayto be mad and to do one of those things.  Mine both knew words like please and thank you early on.  So I say "ASK your brother for the toy by saying please".  So when I hear "no Eli you can't have it right now"  I know he tried, so I try to get in there and help out (distraction).

As they learn words I teach those as alternatives.  And maybe it's not fair but I often remind my older child how short his little brother's attention span is right now.  I encourage him to share a coveted object b/c his brother will let it go in 30sec.  That's worked alot.  1/2 the time he'll hand over a toy and just picked it up again 5 sec later.

Our biggest problem is that the younger one destroys the building projects made by the older...or interfere's in the building process.  That's why I try to engage the younger one often and just let the older one go at his work.  Danny is more than happy to have Eli out of his hair for awhile.  other days they play together just fine for 15min or so.  We used to have the older one always grabbing things from the younger...so we taught him to barter and trade (or wait). 

Since I'm not a big fan of time out for the younger one yet (and not even sure it wouldn't just be a waste of time on him at his developmental level), prevention is just more effective...but still tiresome.  They'd be in time out 24/7 and I think our method would be much more negative in the long run if we let go of the prevention method.

So it makes me tired and takes a lot of effort but no one has been hit, bit, pinched, kicked, pushed, or scratched in about 3-4 wks....unless you count the playful wrestling and tag games where others accidentally get hurt in the fun of being rough...they're boys...what can I say...as long as it's in fun and accidental. I know it's time for intervention when I hear the older one say "Eli I'm building this and I dont' want any help from you right now!"  I guess all I'm really saying is that for me i'd rather be tired of intervening before the blowup(ie preventing) than tired of enforcing yet another time out.  So it's working but I'm tired.

Oh and my almost 4y/o's preschool teacher has heard quite a bit of our "teachings" and phrases from our son at school.  He's always been my "old soul" child.  I can only hope she hears the same from #2 in 2010, when he goes to school there.  I hope it's sinking in.