I'm tired. 

 I could probably end this post there and all the mothers out there reading would just be nodding their collective tired heads.

I used to get so much sleep, so easily. It wsa like Sleep and I were lovers.  Sleep woud sneak into my room, into my bed, late at night and cuddle with me into the late morning (and sometimes afternoon) hours.  I didn't even have to buy him dinner.   We had a good relationship, Sleep and I.  Like many relationships, however, I took Sleep for granted.  I didn't shower Sleep with the praise and affection I should have. 

And then came baby.  Once I got pregnant I traded Sleep for 337 trips to the bathroom and 449 roll -vers to find a comfortable position.  And then Matthew was born and Sleep broke up with me and left town.  And I haven't seen him in nearly 4 years.

I miss Sleep.

My kids are not great sleepers. Before they were born I was so full of it about how I'd be as a mother. I was sure I'd just "let them cry" (it's good for them to learn to sleep!") and then it became MY CHILD that is crying.  And that makes me feel two distinct things;  1)That's my baby and I must help him and 2)If I don't go in he'll wake everyone in the house and then I'll really be awake by the time I put them all back to bed.  And a quick pop in of the pacifier or a quick pat on the back was just about all it took. I was up several times a night and I was so used to it I used to get scared when he did sleep through the night on occasion, often going in and accidentally waking him up while checking to make sure he was breathing.

And then came Baby #2 and I lost all hope of ever having sleep again.  I did the same thing made the same mistakes and just ran in whenever I heard a cry. Not so much because of reason #1 above, but more for reason #2. Ben is stubborn and if he doesn't get what he wants he'll wake up not just the entire house but all of Allegheny County with his demands. 

So here we are, two years into Ben's life and the bugger STILL doesn't ever sleep through the night. Lately his favorite thing is to scream for me to come lay with him.  I love the cuddles, don't get me wrong, but I'd like to cuddle with my own husband or pillow every now and then.  And now that Matthew's potty trained he'll often wake me up to go to the bathroom. 

It's a 1,2 punch. Ouch.

And so, four years after parting with my beloved Sleep, I'm missing him terribly. I hope that one day he will find his way back to me.

I often joke that I'd probably let the boys watch porn in the early morning if they'd just let me sleep in.  It's a good thing we don't get those stations. Seriously.

Another year of this and I'm calling Comcast.

P.S. - This is NOT a picture of me ---------------------> Oh, how I wish it was.